Are you feeling stuck in your sex life?
It’s a common joke that moms don’t have time nor energy for sex any longer.
And to be honest, facilitating elaborate romantic weekends with your lover or going on lavish dates can be a LOT harder.
Let’s face it: we’re moms. Few of us have either the time or money to date like a “single lady” again.
So here are some sexy tips that come straight from Esther Perel’s steamy bestselling book Mating In Captivity. If you haven’t seen one of her Ted Talks they are fantastic and should hold you over while you get through the book amidst your crazy mom schedule. (We get it.)
1. Know Your Desires
First thing’s first.
Know your desires.
Do you like kink? BDSM? Do you want to be ravished and taken in romance? Do you like to be the boss? Foot rubs? Ice cubes? Rose petals and chocolates?
Think of all the times something made you wiggle in your seat with delight and talk to your lover about incorporating them into your love life.
Here’s the best thing you’ll read all day: your lover WANTS to please you. He or she may not be trying because they’ve given up. They don’t know how. Create a blueprint of all the things that give you joy and pleasure. It’s safe to say that your lover will be eager to see your face light up in the glow of romance (or wild kink) if that’s what you desire.*
Reject any political or religio9us expectations of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” want in bed and try things that excite you and your partner. You may even find that your partner wants things you’d never thought you’d like; and you love them.
Next, remember something powerful that Esther Perel points out in her research on sexuality.
“Only the free can choose to make believe.” – Esther Perel
2. Love Your Partner and Demand Love In Return
If you’re like me, it’s nearly impossible to connect sexually with a man or woman you aren’t in love with. Sadly, the key to hotter sex may start with a bit of back tracking to unlock your communication, trust, and security with your lover.
Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity that the key to a woman’s carnality is true love.
I’m divorced but I don’t recommend it. However, feeling love is your birthright and you have every right to fight like a lionness until you feel loved.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll have hot sex every day of the week for years on end. But it means that you and your lover are doing one all-too-critical thing: growing together (not apart).
If you feel like you’ve lost your connection and communication with your partner, check out this video on how one mama keeps the balance and sexuality alive in her conscious partnership.
3. Be Aligned… It’s Easier Than You Think…
I found through hours of coaching with holistic healer, energy worker, and cofounder of Primal Fusion Sara Gustafson that I was WAY out of alignment when it came to my relationships with men.
Due to past traumas all the way back from my childhood I was stuck in two of the most dangerous mentalities on the planet: Victim and Blame.
Sara identified that I was scared of somebody asserting their will over me. I was acting out by emasculating my partner and playing victim when I didn’t feel or receive love. What’s more, I was regularly blaming my partner for things I could well take power and responsibility over myself.
Much of our unhealthy mentalities and imbalances go back to our psychological formation through our relationships with our parents.
Believe it or not, having parents who were enmeshed, controlling, and critical when you were a child may still be prohibiting you from a healthy love relationship today.
Before you go out and hire a professional to help you identity these past traumas, watch Modules 4 and 6 of the Moms Wear Capes program now.
4. Know Your Place… In Your Fantasies
Some women want to be come onto forcefully and carnally.
Some women want to be nurtured slowly, sweetly, and gently into sexual love.
Some women want to be the boss. But some women are so sick of being a boss all day that they want playfulness in bed.
Authoritarian women, according to Esther Perel, are drawn to sexual submission. It’s like a vacation from the dynamics of their every day life.
I’ve found that many mothers who are “too tired for sex” find much relief with a lover who sometimes grabs the reigns and plays “leader” in bed, allowing them, for once in their day, to be in charge of no one and make decisions for nobody.
Perel points out that in the thousands of couples she’s counseled and researched, she finds that particularly successful women actually love to be manhandled and ravished in bed – even to “submit” to a lover. It makes them feel desirable but, most importantly, it gives them the chance to give somebody else responsibility in one area of their lives.
Men, too, often like to be dominated by their lovers when they need a vacation from being the “boss”.
Talk to your partner about how you can give each other the domination, submission, direction, and control that you each desire in bed. If you don’t want the same thing every night, take turns fulfilling one another’s needs based upon the day you’ve had.
Discussion of your needs alone is sure to foster heightened communication in your sexual relationship. Or at least a lot of clarity about your partner’s ability to fulfill your needs.
5. Understand Your Orgasm Potential
Look, I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way to orgasm, or even that they’re necessary for great sex.
But there’s definitely a disparity of ooh’s and aah’s when it comes to the female orgasm.
I’ve written a more in-depth article about orgasms in this blog, but it’s important to know one thing;
Orgasms, like communication, are a muscle. You have to exercise your sexual communication, confidence, and personal understanding of your body before you can become as orgasmic as you want to be.
If you’re like me, that’s very much.
So get smart about this ever-elusive thing called female orgasm and watch how simple changes and light your sex life on fire.
6. Know Your Worth
There are a lot of misconceptions about what’s “right” or “wrong” in the bedroom.
There are people who think sex on holidays should suffice. There are couples with a high sex drive and low sex drives.
There are couples who love fantasy, role play, and props and costumes.
Other couples love little more than a little lube.
There’s no right or wrong way to “do” sex.
There’s no number of orgasms you “should” or “shouldn’t” have.
Your benchmark is one simple thing: know you’re worthy of the most sweet (or saucy) love you desire.
* (For you mamas who are involved with somebody who categorically does NOT want to make your sexual fantasies come true, I’m sorry. This article may be irrelevant until you get on firmer relationship ground. Truly, I’m so sorry. There could be several reasons you’ve lost connection with your lover and you’ll find that we spend hours teaching on this very thing in Superwoman School. Please join us in Superwoman School and engage in our LIVE conversations in the Superwoman School Member’s Forum and private Facebook groups. You’re not alone!)